"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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