Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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