This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
