We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
