mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
