He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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