If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
