There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
