Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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