I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
