There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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