my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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