i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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