i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
