Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
