For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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