addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
