"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
