ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
