i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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