Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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