I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
