I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
