That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
