I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
