It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
