I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
