i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
