i'm signing you up for texting rehab
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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