I'm sorry my penis didn't work
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
