I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
