I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
