I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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