Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
