STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
