i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
