Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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