We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
