i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
