I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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