Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
