The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
