There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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