you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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