A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
