i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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