we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
