Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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