i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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