before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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