Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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