God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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